Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
