I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
