Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
