he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
