My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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