So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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