I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Enjoy the penises
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
