I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
