So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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