So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
