I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
