i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
