I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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