btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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