you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
