how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
