Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
