sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
