I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am in a vortex of obligation.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
