dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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