It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
