I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
