im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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