so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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