If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
