if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
