You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
