i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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