Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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