I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
