I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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