Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
