Already got asked if we're dating
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
