There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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