Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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