i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
