I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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