Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
