well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
