I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
