"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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