Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
