I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
