So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
