Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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