She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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