I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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