I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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