Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
no you cant smoke seaweed
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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