This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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