I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
