Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
