the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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