my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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