We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
