she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
