hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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