Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
